Vulnerability

There is always enough time for some lost bird to come careening out of the storm and fly through the gap between thoughts and words, crashing into your soft brain matter with the force of a hard cold gray stone sending your blood spattering in every direction. A spray of your valuable attention, your magick mojo, the blood of life that swirls through your veins like molten lava rushing to the head to make your squishy gray tissue into the crown of kings, now bursts into a bleeding mess of moist tissues. The careless mechanical munch, munch, munching of the caterpillars of the world. The ones that will grow fatter and fatter and never make cocoons, they are so busy with their cacophonous munching, gnawing right into your inner sanctum if they can, disguised as your lover, or your sister, or your grandmother, or your friend, smiling and lilting sweetly all the while preparing to launch that kamikaze attack on your mind, that ble de de de de de de dah of machine gun fire into your delicate magickal body, masquerading as a series of questions, objections, or comments, or they may launch a stealthy psychic attack, thinking so loudly that you feel stabbing pains in your chest, shoulders and side as if you’d been running a mile while breathing improperly, staring at you silently, morbidly from under veiled lids, not speaking their poison but letting it ooze, hiding sharp knives behind their backs and waiting for the ideal moment to slash and stab and drain you of your fire. They don’t know why. They munch, munch holes into the gossamer magick walls of the kingdom of God, filled with intellectual justifications for every bite. They are killing you while saying, what? What did I do? Munch munch. I only offered you a sandwich, I only reminded you of an errand, I was only talking to you about the GREAT WORK, munch, munch, gurgle. There is always time enough for these bandits to sneak in and steal the treasure. They steal it in the murky shadows between syllables and the blinks of an eye. They are your own thoughts, the thoughts of others, the stereo pumping from that pimp mobile paused at the curb wailing, “I need money”. You are never more than one sling shot away from loosing everything you worked so hard to gather, all of that blessed hot air lifting your balloon sewn of Persian rugs into the wide blue sky and blinking stars shining like the many nipples of that bitch goddess Nuit, feeding all her suckling pups, worthy and unworthy alike, with her twinkling light. All of your precious lift, lost when a single pin hole puncture procured by an act of mechanicality compromises your space. A solitary word, spoken or thought, launched like a grain of sand to a blind giant, a delicate crippled giant that suffers much from it’s affliction/gift, never having terrorized a villager or swallowed a child in its life, it has always been the tiny terrible peasants that have wounded the giant like vicious bloodthirsty monsters with sickle sharp teeth, tearing and gnashing, munch, munch; the fat caterpillar people crying, “Come down where we are, where you should be. It’s so much nicer in the mud.” They slash your wings, those delicate paper thin wings that you worked for long hard months in darkness and solitude to manufacture from your own flesh and blood and strength of will, now torn and waving like ribbons after an attack from one of the caterpillar people, the one outside of you or the one that will always live inside of you, the one you are making yourself from, the one that doesn’t know what is happening to it, or why it should fly instead of crawling and munching. You are besieged by a thousand enemies, both within and without, all waiting to take you down in one of those unprotected gaps, in one of those places where your attention is stretched too thin, or doesn’t quite reach, leaving chinks in the walls of your flying machine, neat little crevices where saboteurs can wedge a stick of dynamite and plug their ears and watch you burst in a shower of crimson and salty tears. Even a mighty dragon, if it is missing just a single scale, can be brought down with a piercing shot aimed into that small but fatal gap. There is always a space, a bit of time, a weak point where the guard is down, the sentry fallen into gluttonous slumber, a way to ruin ages of work in a moment.

The Negative Emotions

When we first got interested in these ideas, it may have begun with an intellectual action. Maybe you read a book or a page on the Internet, maybe you heard about this from someone else, maybe you saw a movie… something came in, a "poisoned" impression that set the wheels of your intellect turning. Maybe your Being responded from deep within (sensing the presence of the Other calling you to the Waking State) but the manifestation of it was probably mostly intellectual.
Very often, what begins as intellectual may stay as intellectual and never move from there. You may read about this now, think about it, think that there is some truth in it, think about doing something, talk to others about it, think some more… years later you may still be thinking that it would be a good idea to do something and maybe you should think about what to do. At that point, maybe you will find another book to read, someone else to talk to or another movie to watch.
If you get past that stage, you may actually make a move. You may go to a place where these ideas are taught, you may start to try some exercises, you may learn some Yoga, you may learn to twirl. At that point a new center has entered the picture: your moving center, the part of you which actually makes the body function, shift from place to place, dance, curl up in a little ball and so on. When you shift from the intellectual center to the moving center, something crucial has happened. The weight of your relationship to these ideas has become manifested in the physical world and, through this manifestation, it can start to function. This stage may last a long time as well.
At some point, through your work on the Attention and Presence and your conscious efforts of self remembering, the weight of your work will transfer to the Emotional Center. It is at this point that the Real Work begins. Everything else that came before is a preparation. Once you start to work directly with your emotions, the Work has become Real and, with that, come more responsibilities and more danger.
One of our primary forms of energetic waste is through the manifestation of negative emotions. Here we will define "negative" not as "bad" or "immoral" but as flowing outwards into direction-less dispersal, without any conscious purpose. Any emotion that disperses energy involuntarily would then be "negative" whether it masks itself as happiness, excitement, anger, envy, sadness or humor. Our entire machine constantly twitches with negative emotions: we are not happy about the weather and we complain about it, someone looks at us in the wrong way and we replay it in our minds for hours, somebody cuts us off while driving and we spill out curses into the wind.
It has been said that in a sleeping machine negative emotions are the only emotions that can occur. Only in the Waking State can we feel true Love or Compassion. In the sleeping state, we can only twitch helplessly in an endless manic dance of negative complaints and explosions. And these involuntary dispersals occur with extreme frequency. Our initial work will be to be able to observe this state of things without trying to change it. Simply watch, record and examine, without judgement or remorse.
In the Western world, it has been thought traditionally that our nervous system, and specifically our brain, is the fastest form of communication within our bodies. In these ideas (and recent scientific discoveries confirm this) we know that the Emotional center is actually much faster. That means that the habitual reactions in the Emotional center, the negative emotions, will move so quickly that you cannot catch them with either your Intellectual or your Physical center. In the first stages of your Work, it will be impossible to try to stop these, but you can observe them as they move through you and you can record their passing. Develop a constant habit of noting your explosions of negative emotions. Give your different negative characters names and personas. Call them your "little demons" that trade you back and forth like a basketball. Describe them and get to know them very well. If you can draw, make pictures of them. If you have someone to help you, take photographs of the different manifestations or shoot some video and examine it carefully. Again, watch without judgement and, at first, don’t try to change anything at all, no matter how harmful.
As your Work progresses, you will eventually try to gain control over these negative manifestations. As has been stated before, you have to start small. You have developed these negative emotional habits over an entire lifetime. You cannot stop them overnight, or in a month or even a year. It will take a long time of constant work to even begin to get a handle on them. Start with several months of simply observing. When you feel that you are ready, start trying to contain the more simple ones, the ones that are the least harmful and which hold the least power. (For example, don’t try to stop your bouts of anger or resentment towards your family members. That is too deeply engrained and too heavy to lift. Start with your complaints about the weather or about the cancellation of your favorite sitcom. Hopefully that will be more within reach.)
The Work with the Emotions is dangerous and tricky. Ideally someone will be with you, a guide that passed through this terrain a bit ahead of you. As much as you may love this person, it will be difficult to remember that they are trying to help you when the Real Work with the Emotions begins. This is indeed a maze of deadly traps through which only the bravest and most persistent will manage to pass.

Parting the Seas

Imagine your torso as a body of water. Visualize it, feel it. Realize that ordinarily when you throw a stone into the water, it will create ripples. If a stone should come hurtling at you it would disturb your waters, the impact would reverberate throughout the body.
Now imagine something that has recently disturbed you, an event or interaction that troubled you emotionally. Perceive that interaction or event as a stone that is being thrown at you. As it approaches, you will part the seas. Maintain the sensation and visualization of the area from your chest to your navel as a body of water. Imagine that the water is parting, making way so that the stone will land in the sea bed without creating ripples.
Hold this image and breathe deeply, inhaling and exhaling to the count of six. Begin to make a small movement with part of your body. As you do so mentally describe the motion to yourself (as you have done before in working with energizing the machine). For example, while moving your right index finger in small clockwise circles say to yourself mentally, "I am moving my right index finger in a small clockwise rotation."
After doing this for a few minutes allow the waters to close over the stone where it has settled.
Practice this experiment for ten minutes daily for one week. In ten minutes you should be able to run through the whole sequence approximately four times. In addition, as you go through your day and find that something is eliciting an emotional response from you, apply the experiment to that "emotional stone" in the moment.

Experiment: Observing the Machine

Pay attention to your physical mannerisms for 3 days.
Notice the way that you carry your body, any special gestures you use when speaking, your facial expressions, etc. For example you might realize that you have a habit of pushing your hair behind your ear when you are feeling anxious, or that you raise your eyebrows when you are feeling skeptical. You will find that you do these things automatically, without thinking about it.
They are habits so ingrained in your machine that you may never have noticed them before.
Make a list of your habits as you become aware of them.
To help you to observe yourself, imagine that someone is making a movie about your life. Imagine that your favorite actor or actress will play your part and that you’re compiling a list of the mannerisms most characteristic of you. It may be hard to pin point anything at first. Look into every thing that you physically do and pay attention to the little flourishes.
How do you drink a glass of water? Do your cheeks puff out while you are drinking? Do you slurp? Do you chug it all down?
When you are reading a book to yourself do your lips move? Do you twirl your hair or bite your lip? Do you wiggle your feet? What do you do?
Take any activity as an opportunity for observation. Enjoy it, and don’t be judgmental. If you realize that you pick your nose while you read your email, be honest and write it down. Avoid being critical of yourself and don’t try to change anything.
Just notice the embellishments that make your machine unique and list them.
You may also make drawings when words don't fully describe the particular habit. It is of utmost important that these notes be very clear to you, even if the would be completely incomprehensible to anyone else. Make sure that each habit is described as fully and as carefully as possible.

Experiment: Sexual Cycle

Obtain a pill box with a compartment for every day of the week. You will also need a bag of sunflower seeds and a package of raisins. You may decorate the pill box with paint, glue, sequins or anything else that will give it purposeful significance.
For the next week you will keep track of every time you become sexually aroused by placing a sunflower seed in the compartment which corresponds with the present day of the week. If you experience arousal three times on Monday, there should be three seeds in the compartment reserved for Monday. Every time you achieve orgasm you will place a raisin in the appropriate compartment. If you were aroused three times on Monday, and had an orgasm after becoming aroused each time, you will have three seeds and three raisins in the compartment designated for Monday.
If you were aroused in the morning but got up and dressed for the day without having an orgasm, then at lunch caught site of a lingerie billboard that excited you but returned to work without having had an orgasm and finally came home and saw something on TV that got you all heated up once more and you masturbated or engaged in sexual congress with another resulting in an orgasm, then you will have three sunflower seeds and one raisin in the compartment for that day.
Be honest and accurate. At the end of the week examine the contents of each compartment and compare the ratio of seeds to shriveled fruits for each day.

Experiment: Self Remembrance Express

Board a crowded bus or train.
Once seated, invoke your presence. To aid you in this, place your attention on your entire body including the empty space three inches above the skin. Keep your eyes open and seeing but preserve your attention to self.
Feel that you are in a space all your own, the interests and psychic activity of the others on board the vessel should not intrude. You prevent them from intruding by simply keeping your attention on self rather than placing it wholly on them. It is okay to look at and perceive them, just remember yourself at the same time.
If you find that you have gotten caught up in a thought of one kind or another, simply bring your attention back to your own body. Keep track of the frequency with which you completely forget yourself.
Stay onboard for approximately 15 minutes before getting off. Repeat the entire experiment during the return voyage.
Record you observations for future reference.

Experiment: Silent Act

The following experiment is an evolution of Lights! Camera! Action!
By now you have had a chance to observe and act out some of your mechanical manifestations. Possibly you have even discovered other subtler manifestations that initially eluded you.

Now you will make a short silent play made up entirely of those gestures you have observed in yourself.

This play will be 10 minutes long. Decide on which manifestation you will exhibit and in what sequence. Aim to make it realistic with believable transitions. You will want to create a script to follow and eventually memorize.

For seven days set a timer each morning and perform you silent act. If you have a video camera you may record it so that you can watch it at the end of the seven days.

Experiment: Posture

For this experiment you will need a little notebook. Keep it with you at all times for the course of three days. Every time you notice a big shift in your emotional/mental state, record it in the notebook. Write down the time and describe the shift in your mood as well as any possible catalysts. When you feel very happy in the morning after a coworker makes a special effort to greet you, write it down. When you start to feel miserable around lunch time after missing a call from a friend, write it down. When an hour later you are on top of the world again for no apparent reason, write that down too. Pay attention to the myriad of little mood swings, however subtle, that you cycle through in one day.
On the fourth day, you will add a little detail to your record keeping. In addition to cataloging the time and emotional state, describe any particular physical postures, twitches, or ticks that accompany the various states. For example you might write-
1:00pm Happy = twirling hair. While walking to the drugstore in the sun.
1:30pm Angry = Hands thrust into pockets, chin lowered. After waiting in a long line.
2:30pm Lonely = Biting lower lip, shoulders hunched. While driving to post office.
And so on…
Try to recognize re-occurring postures so natural to you they will be hard to spot. Make an effort to observe yourself without judgement. Imagine that you are studying yourself as an actor would study a character in order to play that character more realistically. Keep notes this way for three more days. On the seventh day act out the postures you have recorded in your notebook.