Answers

I have nothing to say that will give you the answers to the wordless questions that burn in your heart. Those anguished muffled screams from your breast and the muted cry of an entire body take shape in the paunch that hangs over the belt and the ache of shoulders and the sorrows whose source seems to be diffused in the atmosphere like vapor. Vapor of my heart suffocates me and I oscillate between desiring affectionate company and craving the solitude of a deep dark warm cave. Perhaps in another way all I am seeking is that same deep dark exile, the reprieve of momentary annihilation.
I don’t have answers for you. My question is my self, the answer is the same. You are out here looking for something that no one can give you. If you want to know the truth then look into the abysmal well of self. It could be that you are happy, and that my dark mood doesn’t suit you. I happen to think, however, that happy people don’t look for answers. Show me someone who is tortured wondering why they are so happy, or why life is so just and fair and lovely.
People with questions are dissatisfied, admittedly to varying degrees. Some are miserable while others have only vaguely disquieting feelings that lead them to search for the source of the disquiet. If I had a greater magick I would never stoop to attempt to say anything directly to any one. I would have written you a fairy tale.
Notice also my need to say that “you” are looking for something. I want to set myself up as someone who knows more and to know more there must be someone else who knows less, so I have invented you. This is the sickness of all those who want to tell you “the truth” or “illuminate” your mind. Everyone who wants to tell you something factual, deliver the answers you seek, is a hungry liar. Even those who are well intentioned are liars. For example they may feel that what they want is to help you when in reality what they want is to be helped. They want to give you what no one can give them. They have made up some answers or been given some “one size fits all” explanations that they hope to pass on to you for your betterment, but one size fits all is the same as one size fits none.
If you want to know what is wrong find a mirror. For so much of my life I have assumed that others felt like me. Only now I see, the impressions which formed me may have varied in innumerable ways from those that formed you or any other given member of humanity. What ails me is a personal affliction, and what ails the world is me and my affliction.
There is always a chance that you feel a little bit like I do. Then in some way you might be comforted to think that you are not entirely alone with your shouting heart, that somewhere out there, someone else’s heart is shouting, and they are scrambling to find the reason, working desperately to save that heart from the terminal illness that filled it with woe.
Good heavens! If only I could lay my face in some grass or press my body against a boulder or a tree. If only I could be free to be alive instead of always fighting for that feeling. If only I wasn’t so angry… then what? What would I be, what would I have to do, what would you be reading now?
And of course there are others who are right now fighting for their mortal lives and some of them feel more truly alive than I do now. I am a spoiled white girl sitting in her high tower willing to dish out her opinions and advice while feeling sorry for her woes. I am like a house cat. I just want to get out. I just want to die so that I can feel alive.
That is my answer. If you want the truth then die or come close to it whenever possible. Turn yourself (hence the world) upside down. Revolutionize it. That is the only choice you have.

Completing the Octave

The spectrum of vibrations, in the Universe as we experience it, takes the shape of a great seemingly endless spiral. With every complete turn of this spiral, you arrive at the same point, only higher or lower by a level. In music, these repeated points of reference are known as Octaves.
In Western Music, and in several other traditions as well, this circular octave is divided into seven notes. The first basic note is counted as 1, then you move up from 2 through 7… when you arrive at 8 you have come full circle and you are back at 1. Thus this is known as an Octave.
These 7 notes don’t proceed in equally measured steps. They have a distinct shape that features two "intervals" where the rate of movement slows down (the distance between the notes is shorter, so less distance is traveled in the same amount of time). During these 2 "intervals", the process may deviate or stop altogether. The slow down is a kind of magnetic obstacle that is inherent in the very movement of vibrations, no matter where they occur or what is their source.
We apply this special esoteric theory in a very practical way. A simple full octave is the space between two distinct points: the setting of a particular goal and its accomplishment. Between those two points there is a great chasm. The progress between the two points is marked with two "intervals", and during these two "intervals", you may forget your original goal, shift slightly away from it or change course altogether. Knowing that these intervals are coming is a great advantage in moving through them. To deal with these "intervals" is a real skill, an invisible ability that can have very visible results.
The way to start working on this idea is to set very small and simple goals for yourself. Ideally, these will be so simple that there will be no way that your machine won’t be able to accomplish them. To begin with, these goals may seem to have to relation to your actual work, but this is of course a mistake. As you progress in your work on self, you will come to realize that every single thing you do is relevant to your work. There is literally no place to run or hide once you start moving up the Ladder.
Once you have set yourself a very simple goal, your job, besides the actual completion of the goal, will be to observe the intervals. In a small goal, they can be very subtle but they will be there. Notice the shifts of energy within you and around you. Notice your thoughts and emotions. Notice the shifts in the focus of your attention. Notice influences coming in from outside and altering the process.
One of the intervals will be a bit before the halfway point. The second interval will be right before the final completion. Take careful notes of your observations. Be as specific as possible. Don’t be vague in your notes. The more specific they are, so specific that these notes may only be comprehensible to you, the more helpful they will be to you.
You should know that the general mechanical tendency of the Universe around you is to deviate at these intervals. By refusing to do so, you are literally moving against a Universal force that is all around you. This is not easy. You will need help. If you picture these two big obstacles as two huge rocks on the road, then you can see that you will need dynamite, a shock that will push them aside. Eventually you may learn how to produce these shocks yourself, but to begin with, you will need somebody to provide them for you. This means that you need a guide. Someone that has done this before you. In an age of individuality and self sufficiency this may seem a step backwards. It isn’t. To truly become free you will have to surrender your false freedom, the illusion of individual freedom that masks a mechanical existence.
The tendency to deviate at the intervals is so strong that without an outside observer it will happen without you noticing. If it happens often enough, before you know it, you will be back in a pure sleeping state, without any concept of what you were trying to do with these ideas. It may take a very long time to come back from that.
Picture a magical path in a dark forest. You start from a place where you imagine an arrival point, then you step into the forest and start to travel. You will need a guide. You will need tools. You will need energy. You will need courage. If you manage to overcome the obstacles in your path, you will arrive at your set destination. If you don’t, you may find yourself at the point where you started. In either case, you begin again. You travel the same path, now with a bit more experience. Eventually it will become clear that the path itself is the destination, a snake that eats its own tail and that you are slowly bringing back to life through your efforts.

Know, Voyager, that your
Work in Time
has an
Eternal Reverberation.

Learn to complete the Octave.
Bring the Shapeshifting Nothingness
from the World of Imagination
to the World of the Real.
One step at a time.
One octave at a time.

Experiment: Finding Your Marbles

Obtain 24 marbles and two jars of equal proportion. Both jars must be large enough to contain all 24 marbles. Place all of the marbles in one jar. Label this jar "potential". Label the second jar "actual". Each day move one marble from the jar labeled "potential" to the jar labeled "actual". If you miss a day, empty the contents of the "actual" jar back into the "potential" jar. Keep track of the number of marbles you accumulate in the "actual" before you "break" by missing a day. Continue the experiment until you have managed to move all 24 marbles from the "potential" to the "actual" jar.