Thursday, March 06, 2008

After The Fall

"I turn'd my eye, and as I turn'd survey'd
A mournful vision! the Sisyphian shade;
With many a weary step, and many a groan,
Up the high hill he heaves a huge round stone;
The huge round stone, resulting with a bound,
Thunders impetuous down, and smokes along the ground.
Again the restless orb his toil renews,
Dust mounts in clouds, and sweat descends in dews."

The Odyssey

To rise, to climb up from the depths, pushing the huge heavy stone, is a matter of great strain, long sustained effort, steady sacrifice and controlled inner struggle. It takes time, time made longer by the attention, time made wider by the presence, time vibrating with life and possibility with the unshackled fierceness of the Unborn.

To fall, it takes one moment of distraction, one instance where the presence leaves and the machine takes over, one single fraction of a second when life is cut off and the possibilities die away.
After such a fall, it might seem impossible to rise again. We may rest in a puddle of despair, of repeated "shoulds" and "should nots", of imaginary "could have beens" and wishfuls "if I had not".
A rush of hopelessness will arise, a dark voice that says "this time we almost had it! It will never be so good… it will never be so pure… it will never again… be… and so it is time to stop, to give up, to say this has been tried and tried and tried again… but it cannot happen. It will not happen and you are a fool to rise again, to attempt the impossible one more time. You have failed."
And your own soft voice will respond: "I could have managed better. I could have stopped it in time. I could have looked ahead, seen it coming, stopped the flash before it broke my climb…If I had only made one more small effort!"
But it is too late. The fall has happened. The rock is before you, it is time to rise again, to push up yet again, to pull all the will that you have remaining into your solar center and begin the endless climb… one more time.

To rise, to peak, to fall, to lie in despair… an eternal wheel. How fast can it run? If it cannot be escaped, can it be made to run so fast that the four points will run into each other to form a continuous circle of light? The perception of time will forever be uneven, but the wheel may run so fast that it will make no difference.

Once, after the fall, it took 10 years to get back to the rock, to place my scarred hands on the hard surface and begin to push.
Once, after the fall, it took 1 year to get back to the rock, to place my bloodied nuckles against the broken surface and begin to push.
Once, after the fall, it took 1 month to get back to the rock, to place my sweaty forehead against the blood stained surface and begin to push.
Once, after the fall, it took 1 day to get back to the rock, to place my pulsing heart against the burning hot surface and begin to push.

The climb is still hard. The fall is still spirit breaking. But the movement is no longer up. It is sideways. We have entered the Big Time and we push forth in a direction that cannot be seen with human eyes or pointed to with corporeal hands. Somewhere out there, our destiny twirls madly like a winged burning serpent that eats its own tail in an eternal feast.

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